Hero by Nature Page 13

  His hands dropped to her waist, holding her against him. “Autumn, I know you’re not ready for vows and commitments. But I won’t pretend that all I want from you is a temporary fling. I want forever. I think you’ve known that from the beginning. I think that’s why you’ve been fighting me every step of the way. You’re scared, aren’t you, honey?”

  “Yes, dammit, I’m scared!” She pulled away from him and walked three quick steps backward, her arms crossed defensively at her waist. “You want too much, Jeff. I can’t give you forever.”

  “Then what are you willing to give?” he challenged her.

  “An affair. That’s all we have, Jeff. An affair. I’m attracted to you, you know that, and I enjoy being with you. But that’s all it is.”

  He shook his head slowly, his eyes almost sad. “You’re even running from yourself, aren’t you? You won’t admit even to yourself that you might possibly need someone.”

  “I don’t need anyone!” she answered sharply. “I’m perfectly content to live alone.”

  “You don’t live alone,” he pointed out. “You have Babs to keep you from getting too lonely. You even sleep with her.” He knew that from experience, having spent a night with Babs curled at his feet in Autumn’s bed.

  “She’s a pet. Lots of people have pets.”

  “Yes,” Jeff agreed. “Loving, caring people who enjoy sharing themselves with others.” He lifted his hand in a gesture almost of appeal. “You needed me today, Autumn. And I was there for you. Was it really so bad?”

  Her eyes widened, her heart jerking with a kind of shock. She immediately denied his words. “I didn’t need you. I needed a doctor, and you’re the only one I happen to know personally.”

  “Autumn, if you’d just needed a doctor, you’d have taken Ryan to the emergency room at Tampa General. It’s closer to your place, after all. But you didn’t even consider that, did you? You came straight to me. You asked for me at the desk.”

  “Jeff, you’re reading entirely too much into that. I told you, I came to you because you’re the only pediatrician I know.”

  Jeff sighed deeply. “I’m not going to give up, Autumn. You see, I happen to need you very badly. And I’m not afraid to admit it. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Our night together was the most beautiful night I’ve ever known. Don’t expect me to walk away from that.”

  “Jeff, what do you want from me?” she cried, her throat tight with suppressed emotion.

  “Just give us a chance, Autumn. That’s all I’m asking. I won’t push you, I won’t pressure you, I won’t even tell you how much I love you until you’re ready to hear it. But don’t ask me not to see you again. Please.”

  She closed her eyes for a moment. “I wish I could ask that, Jeff,” she admitted at last. “But I can’t because I can’t stand the thought of not seeing you again. But—” she added quickly, holding up her hand as he took an impetuous step forward “—that doesn’t mean I’m ready for more than the affair I’ve already offered. I’m not.”

  His eyes were glowing with hope—and the love he didn’t try to hide from her. “I don’t want an affair. That’s not right for me, and we both know it’s not right for you, whether you’ll admit it or not. So until you’re ready to take what I’m offering, we’ll see each other as friends, give you a chance to learn that I’m no threat to you. I’m willing to settle for that. For now.”

  She eyed him skeptically. A platonic friendship? She would have laughed if she hadn’t lost her sense of humor sometime during the past half hour. She and Jeff could hardly be in the same room without attacking each other. It had been that way from the moment they’d met. What made him think they could keep their hands off each other now, particularly since they’d already been lovers and knew how good it could be between them? Even now she was quivering with longing for him to touch her. “We can try it, I suppose,” she offered doubtfully.

  He laughed at the look on her face. “I never said it would be easy, honey. But it’ll be worth it when you realize that I’m right about us.”

  Inhaling deeply, Autumn pushed an unsteady hand through her hair. “For the past five years I’ve known exactly what I wanted from life, exactly how I intended to accomplish my goals. You confuse me, Jeff. I don’t know what I feel or what I want when I’m with you. I can’t say that I like being that way. I don’t.”

  “I’ll give you time to work out your feelings, Autumn,” Jeff promised again. “All the time you need. Because I have faith that when you stop running and give yourself a chance to look without fear at what we have, you’ll know we belong together. Not for an affair, but for a lifetime.”

  9

  AUTUMN HAD NEVER been courted before. Her engagement to Steven had come about quite casually, primarily because it seemed to be expected of them. If asked, she would have said she didn’t want to be courted in the old-fashioned sense of the word. Demeaning, she would have said. Sexist.

  For the next few weeks Jeff courted her in true Southern tradition, with flowers and chocolates and patience. He took her to dinner, he called her, he brought her whimsical little gifts wrapped in silver paper. He talked to her, sharing stories of his childhood, his dreams, his hopes. His pain. He came to her after losing one of his favorite little patients in a car accident, and he wasn’t ashamed for her to see his tears. She held him in her arms and ached for him, wanting so desperately to take away the pain. She would have made love to him that night—just as she would have any of the nights in the preceding weeks—but again he left her with kisses that short-circuited her brain and a growing frustration that was making sleep impossible and her temper increasingly quick.

  And no amount of arguing with herself could convince her that she wasn’t loving every minute of his courtship, despite the frustration. She was undoubtedly a fool, she told herself every night before going to bed, but she woke every morning with a sense of anticipation, knowing that she would see or hear from Jeff that day. She stopped accepting dates from anyone else, though she refused to dwell on the implications of that. Outside work she saw only Emily, Ryan and Webb when she wasn’t with Jeff.

  Jeff’s work was, of course, very demanding. More than once during those weeks their dates were interrupted by the demands of his job. She heard him talking patiently on the telephone to hysterical mothers, discussing complicated medical treatments with his partners, discoursing heatedly on parents who abused or neglected their offspring. He was a doctor, first and foremost, a healer, a defender of children. She was a little in awe of that part of him.

  He was also a man in love, and he made no effort to hide it. He didn’t actually say the words because he’d promised her he wouldn’t until she was ready to hear them, but they were in his eyes every time he looked at her, in his touch when he held her or kissed her. She never questioned his sincerity. For some crazy, incomprehensible reason Dr. E. Jefferson Bradford loved Autumn Sarah Reed, electrician, and he fully intended to spend the rest of his life with her.

  As time passed, her denials of his intentions grew less forceful. In her weaker moments—and they were coming all too often now—she found herself wondering if Jeff might be right about their future.

  And then she’d wake in the night, rigid with dread, unable to breathe, desperately frightened of her growing feelings for him and the heavy sense of inevitability that something would go wrong. She would dream of losing him, and even in her dreams the pain was almost too much to bear. She was beginning to need him, she thought in panic. No, she couldn’t allow herself to need him.

  And she’d add another emotional brick to the wall she’d built between them.

  “You’re doing it again.” Jeff’s words were uttered on a resigned sigh.

  Lying in his arms on her couch, she frowned at him in bewilderment, her heart still pounding, breath still ragged from the hungry kisses they’d just shared. “Doing what?” she asked, her voice husky with passion.

  “You’re pulling away from me.”

 
She looked pointedly down at their intimately entwined bodies, their clothing loosened and disheveled. He was hard and aroused against her; she was trembling with the force of her own desire. “Hardly.”

  He shook his head, ruffling the lock of hair that had fallen onto his forehead. “Not physically. Emotionally.”

  She knew now what he meant. He’d been whispering words that were all too close to an outright declaration of his love for her, and she’d found herself coming perilously close to responding in kind. She’d swallowed the words and shut a mental door on her feelings for him, attempting to abandon herself wholly to sensation. How had he known? Was he now adding mind reading to his other talents?

  Jeff dropped a quick kiss on her swollen, pouting mouth and pushed himself upright. “It’s getting late. Guess I’d better go.”

  The notorious temper that had been building for the past few weeks, exacerbated by doubts and uncertainties and sheer sexual frustration, finally broke loose. Without even thinking about it, Autumn snatched up a throw pillow that had fallen to the floor earlier and swung it at him. Hard. “You arrogant, obnoxious, unscrupulous jerk!”

  Jeff choked on a startled laugh, caught her hand before she could hit him again and stared down at her as she half sat, half lay on the end of the couch. “Want to tell me what that was about?” he inquired mildly.

  “Don’t you dare laugh at me!” she shouted, leaping to her feet and angrily straightening her sweater and slacks. “I’ve had it with you, Bradford, do you hear? What gives you the right to do this to me?”

  “What am I doing to you, Autumn?” He leaned back against the cushions, arms stretched out along the back of the couch, his eyes kindling with amusement though he managed not to smile. He knew exactly why she was angry, she thought furiously. Damn the man!

  “You’re driving me crazy, that’s what you’re doing. And you know it! Spending all your free time with me, kissing me, making me want you and then leaving me on the doorstep with a kiss on the forehead. I won’t be blackmailed this way, Jeff.”

  He wasn’t amused now. “I’m not trying to blackmail you, Autumn.”

  She tossed her head scornfully. “Aren’t you? Aren’t you using sex to make me say what you want to hear? Don’t you think if you tantalize me a little longer I’ll say anything to have you make love with me? I hadn’t expected such conceit from you, Jeff.”

  He rose smoothly, stepped up to her and took her shoulders in his hands. He wasn’t exactly angry—she’d never seen him angry, she thought fleetingly—but he was definitely annoyed. “That’s absurd and you know it. Do you think this past month has been easy for me?”

  “I haven’t noticed you having any trouble leaving at night,” she replied defiantly.

  He jerked her against his still-aroused body, his hands falling to her hips to hold her almost painfully against him. “You couldn’t be more wrong. Walking away from you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve taken so many cold showers that I’ve developed permanent goose bumps and I still wake up at night drenched with sweat and shaking with need for you. God, it’s gotten to where it even hurts to kiss you, but when I’m with you, I can’t help it. Don’t accuse me of trying to make you suffer, Autumn. I’m torturing myself!”

  “But why?”

  He stepped away from her, shoving his hands into the pockets of his navy slacks. “Because I love you,” he answered flatly. “And because casual sex with you would hurt much more than none at all.”

  “It’s not casual sex when two people care for each other!” she argued heatedly. “It’s called…making love.” She said the last words haltingly, her heart stopping at the flame that had suddenly flared in his eyes.

  His hands fell again on her shoulders, his grip tight with emotion, though she didn’t protest the near pain. “Do we care for each other, Autumn?” he asked softly, his words almost a plea.

  “Yes,” she whispered, unable to lie to him or herself any longer. “Yes, we care for each other. But—”

  “Hush,” he ordered roughly, pulling her into his arms. “Don’t say any more. I told you I was willing to take whatever you were ready to give. As long as you’ll admit that what we have is more than physical.”

  She buried her face in his shoulder, clinging to his shirt. “Don’t leave me tonight, Jeff. I…I want you so much.” She’d almost said “need.” She wouldn’t say need!

  “And I want you, honey. I need you,” Jeff retorted meaningfully, obviously reading her again. “Just don’t accuse me of blackmailing you into making love with me. Please.”

  She shook her head against him. “No.” She knew now that he hadn’t been trying to coerce her into saying more than she was ready to say. He’d simply needed reassurance that he was more to her than a good lay. She was continually surprised by this man’s vulnerability. And his strength.

  She stepped back and took his hand in hers, noting his trembling with a surge of tenderness that took her by surprise. She knew her smile was shaky when she looked up at him, turning to walk with him to her bedroom.

  Jeff seemed determined to compensate them both for the weeks of frustration. He made love to her with agonizing slowness, caressing and touching every inch of her—her temples, her throat, her breasts, her stomach, her inner thighs, her ankles. Then he turned her over and explored her back with equal thoroughness, tracing her spine, nibbling at her firm, round cheeks, licking the backs of her knees.

  Autumn was shuddering, mindless with need, when he finally gave in to her strangled pleas and ended the torment. He entered her in one smooth thrust, and she rose eagerly to meet him, her knees clasping his hips with all the strength in her healthy young body. His ragged breath and muffled groans were the most beautiful sounds she’d ever heard, and her own soft cries mingled with them in an ancient, wordless duet.

  Harder and faster he drove them until neither could hold out any longer against the need for release. Jeff’s name was on her lips when Autumn reached that peak, and her own name echoed in her mind after his husky cry. He kept saying it, over and over, as he held her tightly during the descent to sanity. For the first time in twenty-five years she decided she had an absolutely beautiful name. Jeff’s voice made it beautiful.

  A long time later Autumn stretched, propped herself on one elbow and glared down at his relaxed, contented face. “You sadist.”

  He chuckled. “Now what have I done?”

  “First you make me suffer from abstinence for a month and then you torment me by making love to me so slowly that I lose my mind.”

  Grinning, he caught her hand and pulled it to his lips. “I suffered from abstinence just as long as you did, you know.”

  “Your choice.”

  “No. Not my choice.”

  She decided not to go into that again. She was feeling too good for a serious discussion just then. Her eyes drifted slowly down his nude length, relishing every gorgeous inch of him. “Then I guess I’ll have to make love to you until you lose your mind. That’ll make us even.”

  He spread his arms in a gesture of total submission. “Feel free.”

  Her smile was utterly wicked, “I believe I will.”

  And she did.

  VALENTINES DAY CAME a week later. Somehow Autumn had known that Jeff would go all out for that particularly romantic day. She was right. He gave her flowers and chocolates and an enameled heart pendant on a fine gold chain, and then he took her to dinner at one of the most expensive, exclusive and romantic restaurants in the area. In a whimsically feminist gesture Autumn was waiting with flowers, chocolates and a gold keychain for him when he picked her up for their date.

  “I’ve never had a woman give me flowers and chocolates before,” he mused later as he sat across the secluded candle-lit dinner table from her.

  Autumn grinned impudently at him. “Did it threaten your masculinity?” she asked.

  “Are you kidding? I love flowers. And chocolates.”

  She laughed and shook her head. “I should have k
nown.”

  “Admit it, Autumn. You’re crazy about me,” he accused lightly, though his eyes glittered intently in the flickering candlelight.

  “I think I’m just crazy,” she said with a sigh, implicitly confirming the accusation.

  To her relief, Jeff changed the subject. “I can’t wait until we dance together after dinner. I love dancing with you when you’re wearing that gold thing.”

  “So that’s why you requested that I wear this tonight. You wanted to cop a feel on the dance floor.”

  Jeff laughed. “You have such a delicate way with words, Autumn.”

  Her laughter blended with his, and she felt herself slipping even further under his spell. The word “love” hovered in her mind. She could deal with that word, she mused consideringly. Love wasn’t nearly as threatening as need. She practiced saying “I love you” in her mind, her eyes dwelling on Jeff’s face as he told her a funny story about something Pam had done earlier that day. She wasn’t certain when—or if—she’d have the courage to say it aloud, but the words came surprisingly easy to her mind.

  She reached across the table and caught his hand, lifting it to her lips in an uncharacteristic display of affection. Jeff ended his story in midsentence, his eyes darkening at the look on her face. “I don’t know if we’ll make it through an entire dance,” he told her hoarsely.

  Rubbing her cheek against his knuckles, she smiled at him. “I don’t mind if you don’t.”

  And they didn’t.

  AUTUMN’S DOORBELL CHIMED at just after six on the following Wednesday evening. Stifling a moan, she started to rise to answer the door, but Webb stopped her with a firm hand pressed to her shoulder. “Don’t you move,” he ordered her sternly. “I’ll get it.”

  “Webb, you’re driving me insane. Why don’t you go away?” she asked petulantly.

  “This is the thanks I get for taking care of you when you’re wounded?” Webb demanded indignantly, throwing her an exaggeratedly insulted look over his shoulder as he turned the doorknob. “Oh, it’s you, Jeff.”